We Americans tend to value tradition. Here is a list of 20 'Tongue-in-Cheek' ways
that you can teach your children and friends, but we certainly do NOT want to
keep this tradition alive!


Each year in the United States, children of all ages are just begging their parents to teach them how to be an uncaring, ignorant and irresponsible contributing factor in this horrific act that we Americans allow to happen.  It’s becoming ‘stylish’ to get a pet and then neglect it – even abuse it – or maybe even simply give up on it and take it to the pound where it will most likely be killed.

And, well it should be.  After all, it was left inside the house for 10 ½ hours alone at the age of 7 months and it peed on the carpet! If that’s not a pet just begging to be killed I don’t know what is.

So, we’ve come up with 20 simple and very common steps to follow in order to teach your little ‘angels’ how to be just like mommy and daddy and keep this American tradition alive. Trust us, these 20 steps are tried and proven to be very successful here in this country over the past 50 years. Help us put those darn activists and humane educators back in the closet.  They are nothing but a nuisance!!

  Your own personal guide to being a contributing factor in the 8 million lives lost this year in America.

1.      When looking for a pet, DO NOT consider where you’ll be in 5-10 years in the future. That is NOBODY”S damn business.  Anyway, you don’t know yourself.  If you move, or get evicted, you’ll just take the pet to the dog pound where they ALWAYS find their pets good homes. That is their job.

2.      When checking out the options, don’t bother with finding out anything about the given breed or it’s individual needs, requirements or possible differences from the norm.  THEY”RE ALL DOGS – THEY”RE ALL CATS.  They all need nothing more that food water and ‘some’ shelter.  PERIOD.

3.      Don’t consider the size or the length of the hair of the grown specimen. It’s just too darn cute now to make a difference- you’ll certainly be able to handle it – IT”S ONLY A DOG.

4.      DO NOT, under any circumstances, ask anyone with experience for any advice or guidance with the young pet.  YOU KNOW ALL THERE IS TO KNOW! You’ll certainly make all the right decisions and the pet will become ‘perfect’ in no time.  Professional trainers are just gonna tell you to do things that you would never do anyway, so why pay for stupid advise.

5.      Make sure that all female pets have at least two litters before getting them spayed or neutered.  After all, the 8-10 million pets that we are killing are all bad or sick.  Americans would NEVER kill adoptable pets!  NO WAY. (Anyway, you know that the ‘other’ neighbors who’ve had litters were doing it all wrong, but ‘you’ are certainly being responsible and don’t make mistakes!

6.      If you are one of the wealthier families in the area and have a rusty, but fixable boat trailer in your back yard, make darn sure that the dog is tied up or fenced in the back yard 24/7 to protect it.  (no need to consider the safety of your wife or kids what so ever by allowing the pet inside the house)  No need to train the dog either.  Don’t even consider the fact that it will likely become mean to EVERYONE and someday bite or attack the wrong person and you loose your house.  Because it may not happen that way.  It may just become so undesirable or bark so much that the neighbors begin to hate you and file complaints with animal control to where you must get rid of the pet.

7.      If you have already established a good relationship with your pet and then, YOU become pregnant, get rid of the dog IMMEDIATELY!  They eat small children.After all, those old  ‘wives’ tales’ are usually based on fact.  What you are teaching your smaller children has absolutely no effect here at all. You’ll certainly correct it in the child’s mind later on.  IT”S JUST A DARN DOG!  You’ll go to a responsible breeder after the baby is born and buy a new puppy that you, the successful and experienced dog ‘owner’ can then train to your liking.  If by some chance you do keep the dog, make sure that the kids have no guidance or direction when playing with the dog.  THE DOG SHOULD TOLERATE EVERYTHING. Anyway, your children are ‘good kids’ and are certainly smart enough to treat it correctly, huh?  My kids would never do ‘that’ to a pet.

8.      Remember just how easy life was without a pet and give NO THOUGHT to giving it to the pound or to some unknown individual who ‘promised’ to take good care of it.  Even though YOU made the same promise to the dog’s original owner not long ago, YOU HAVE A JUSTIFIABLE reason to dump it on someone else,  ‘cause you’ve given the dog everything it needed and given this process a lot of thought. (Plus, the guy had a nice smile and gave you $50 bucks!)

 9.      If you ever sneeze, cough, or break out in a rash, IMMEDIATELY get rid of the pet, because you might be allergic to something. After all, everybody knows that if you're allergic to anything at all, having pets will just make it worse and why take a chance – it’s just a dog. And that stupid medication may cost $10-20 per month.  The dog’s life is not worth that is it?

 10.  Redecorating your home can be very nice for the family.  Make sure you take the pets into consideration when doing this and if they just don’t match your new colors, take them to the pound to be put to sleep and get new ones that match.  God will think that’s an even exchange.

 11.  Moving can be a hectic experience and the pets only get in the way.  It really doesn’t matter what you do in front of your children, they will ONLY pay attention to what you say.  So, if you are moving and the pets cannot come along, just leave them in the back yard.  The garbage you left behind has your scent on it and will make them feel secure like you are going to return some day

 12.  If your family has a pet that isn’t working out, just load it into the car and take it to the nearest remote wooded area and let it be free. That is the way God intended them to be and he/she will be so much happier this way. 10,000 years of domestication is really just a bunch of bunk.  He’ll be fine.

 13.  When you and your pet are finally at wits end because you have failed miserably in the training and guidance of said pet, you can just lock the darn thing in the back yard till you get around to completing the task of training. This is the quickest and easiest way to show the dog that, even though you are totally incompetent in your training techniques, you are still in charge.  And you will get back to it……… some day………. when pigs fly.

 14.  When you ALSO fail at having your children take you seriously or respect you, you can always use the ‘pet threatening’ idea.  It has been proven to work miracles in practically no time. It’s an excellent way of keeping children, as well as spouses in line.  Being abusive to the pet is certainly not going to affect it at all.  They have no feelings or emotional attachment to you.

 15.  If you have a neighbor that annoys you, beat his dog with a shovel.  If the offending party is a child, strangle her kitten and hand her the lifeless body when she rides her bicycle in front of your house. Nobody will do anything about it so you will not only get rid of two annoyances at once, you all will surely laugh about it in a couple years.

 16.  Never waste your hard-earned money on vet care for your pet. The cash you waste on shots, heartworm preventive ,etc., will buy you a lot of beer.  And what you’d shell out to have that dog’s leg fixed after he was fool enough to run out in front of a car, would buy you a big screen TV to go with the beer. 

 17.  When you hear your neighbor man beating his dog because it escaped or didn’t sit on command, just leave them alone. It is really not your business.  Anyway, it’s just a give and take thing, for when you get angry with your dog and kick it silly for chewing on the brand new $9 garden hose After all, if he was beating his child, you wouldn’t call authorities then, either because it is just not your business, huh? It’s only a law – it’s meant to be broken occasionally.

 18.  During the office lunch and a co worker begins to show photos of her new litter of puppies that she is hoping to sell for $500 each, it is always a good conversation starter to begin bashing animal activists and then discuss how much you regret spaying your beautiful mixed breed dog and see how many others at the table will finally decide to allow their pets to also have litters of puppies or kittens. It really doesn’t matter that we have 8,000,000 to 10,000,000 good, adoptable and loving pets dying each year in this country.  That is ‘everyone else’ who is doing things wrong.  Not, you.

 19.  When you move from the place you have now, don’t worry about finding a place to rent which allows dogs.   That is no big deal -You'’ll just find it another home. It’s just a dog.  Of course,      the new family will likely take worse care of it than what you did, because they have never developed a relationship with it.  So what?  It’s out of your hands by then.  Of course, the good thing is you were smart enough to place a FREE DOG TO GOOD HOME ad in the paper and several folks were interested in the dog.  The screaming animal activists say that so many of the Free To Good Home ads end up in the hands of dog fighters or research facilities just to scare you. I’ve never known of a dog that ended up there.  They are just crying wolf again.  The woman was unmarried, with 5 kids and had a good smile.

 20.  Take a good long look at the statistics provided at the following link. DO THAT NOW! http://www.petpopulation.org/  Make sure that you re-read all the points 1-19 again and again and again. Until you no longer see yourself in the following photo.  

image006.jpg (6797 bytes)

Unfortunately, most Americans tend to view the problems of

 animal abuse and pet overpopulation from this very same vantage

point.  We hope you don’t see yourself in this photo!!.

Information in the above piece is derived from the 20 most likely reasons that pets are relinquished at dog pounds across the nation, only to face almost certain death.

(of course, it’s been reversed in a ‘tongue in cheek’ style)

Scroll down for some good advice

Read the following very closely, so you can offer your children as well as your pets, a better world.

When you consider a dog or cat, understand that this is a 10 – 15 year responsibility of
YOURS. Nobody else. Make sure you have selected a pet that will fit into your
lifestyle easily. For example, a Great Dane is NOT a good running dog, but is wonderful
for apartment living, as they need minimal exercise. Then the Dalmatian would NOT be
good for a non active or really busy household, as it is bred to run 50 miles a day and it
will exert that level of energy one way or another till it’s almost 7 years old. If you are a
super neat freak, do NOT get a longhaired dog or cat. Too much hair. If you have small
children in the home, try and begin with a breed such as golden retriever, which is usually,
considered a safe and easily managed pet. Putting a dog out in the back yard with no
formal training will not provide you with a guard dog, but will most assuredly anger the
neighbors, possibly bite one of your children’s friends and certainly tear up the yard our
of frustration. You could even loose your home through a lawsuit. If you want the dog to
protect the most valuable assets you have on the property, bring it inside where your spouse
and children sleep. This way, if anything happens to endanger their safety, the dog will
have proper access to assist. THE DOG AND CAT WILL BE SPAYED OR NEUTERED
AT NIGHT. It’s not a personal opinion; it is a matter of right or wrong. It’s best for the pet’s
health, behavior, socialization, and life span to be inside your home at night. That does NOT
mean free reign of the house, or on the furniture. And once morning rolls around, the dog can
go outside again. When trying to housetrain your dog, give it the time it needs. If you only
put in 15 minutes per week, it will take a lot longer than if you were to put in 15-30 minutes
per day. If the dog continues to mess inside the house, it is a problem that YOU are having
in communicating. It’s not the dog’s fault. It has also been proven that spaying and neutering
your pet on or before it’s six month birthday makes it less likely to contract testicular or
vaginal cancer, helps to slow down it’s energy level to a more manageable level, reduces
the chances that the dog will escape your yard and get hurt or killed and much less likely to
show aggressive behavior later in life. IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Moving? Then buy your own place or move into a place that allows pets. IT IS YOUR
RESPONSIBILITY, not your mom’s or your friends and taking it to the pound will assure it’s
death in about 3 days, but could be as early as one hour after you depart. Read the contract
you’ll sign. If you find a good home for your dog, make the new adoptive party signs a contract
that says, the dog eats this food, sleeps inside the house at night and if it doesn’t work out,
they have no right to place the dog somewhere else, they MUST bring it back to you. Any
loving and respected household will gladly sign and respect this type of agreement. You’ll
see how difficult it is to place a ‘used’ pet in a proper and loving home.

While pregnancy brings on many changes in your life and is the most important thing you will
ever do as a human being, that does not in ANY WAY whatsoever mean that the dog should
find a new home or even be locked outside. If properly introduced when bringing the baby home,
the dog and the baby will bond in such a way as to provide a lifelong bond between the two of
them that cannot be broken. It is a natural bond between the two if only given the opportunity by
a caring and properly informed mother to be.

To summarize this written piece that you have just reviewed, there is really not likely going to be
a good reason for you to get rid of one of your pets in your lifetime. Only poorly thought out
excuses resulting in the pets suffering. Once you’ve selected the pet of your choice, it then
becomes your responsibility to keep it healthy, happy and safe, and to provide it with guidance,
socialization, exercise and love.

Again, I write this with pride and knowledge. If you feel personally selected out of the crowd, then
I’ve reached my target. If you feel offended, do NOT come to me with anything but appreciation for finally saying it like it is and changing you into a responsible adult.